The Sunglasses on Your Head

Warning: You cannot in any way shape or form judge the author by the embarrassment that she is about to make of herself. If you feel you cannot oblige please read no further.

Motherhood is my job. So where are my eight hour days? When do I get to stop working? Well, Tuesday nights I get to play (meaning go to enrichment, run errands that need to be run without children, or on occasion do something mindless) while my hubby watches the children, Friday nights I get to go on a date with my sweetheart, and every other Saturday I mix it up by working for Weight Watchers in the morning. I usually have some down time in the evenings around 9:30 or 10:00. I want the downtime so badly that I often stay up until 11:30 just to prolong the relaxation. This is a problem.

Why am I so busy? I know the answer. I have felt a void in my life for years, a longing for something else. I can’t put my finger on what it is, so I feel the empty spaces with activity after activity thinking that this need for something more will go away. Here’s how my day goes: I wake up and exercise around 6:30, I get home at 7:30 and get the kids some breakfast and plug them into PBS Kids while I take a shower, at 8:30ish I get the kids ready for the day, by 9:30 I am ready to tidy up and look at my schedule for the day, usually there is some sort of errand running to do on the mornings when I am not cleaning or doing the laundry, lunch comes quickly, at 1:00 Tommy has preschool or downtime and Taylor used to take a nap but napping seems to be a thing of the past lately, I catch up on lunch dishes, clean, finish up a load of laundry, and or try to have some one-on-one with one of the kids during this time, around 3:00 my students come for tutoring on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday, they leave around 4:30 or 5:00 and I start thinking about dinner and/or T-Ball, Monday is family night, Tuesday is free night, Wednesday is Emmett’s night which he uses for home projects, Thursday is home teaching or nothing (nothing meaning projects), Friday is date night, Saturday is a nice family day, and of course Sunday we rest (to some degree). Is this normal?

I only have two children. Why can’t I get it together? I run in circles all day cleaning messes and spills, doing errands, teaching piano, helping with piano practice, teaching the kids, playing games, sweeping sand, sweeping food, making food, cleaning dishes, making food, cleaning dishes, laundry, laundry, folding, etc… I feel like I am in maintenance mode constantly. I can’t get to the list of things not in my daily routine like mending, ironing; heck even washing the sheets is a stretch anymore.

I have a teaching certificate. In my training I was able to shadow many teachers to see how the day was run. I am serious when I say that I wish I could do this with other moms. I want to know how other people seem to hold it all together so well. Do they stay up until midnight cleaning and mending? What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? I need examples of other mothers in my situation to train me or at least make me feel like what I do every day is normal. Any takers?

So here I am, Tommy is five, Taylor is three, and I feel like I should have this figured out by now. I don’t know how obvious it is, but I have been perplexed by this predicament of motherhood since the day Tommy was born. I ask myself: Do I overcomplicate it? Am I a perfectionist? Am I involved in too many activities? Where is the balance between sacrifice for others vs. care for oneself? Since I’ve been thinking about these things for so long, I think I am finally coming up with some answers. In fact, I think I had an epiphany today.

Although I’m sure you are all used to me by now, I’m warning everyone that I am probably going to embarrass myself. I’m sure most of you have already figured all of this motherhood stuff out. My first thought was that motherhood is not ever in a stationary position. There is no normal. Change is the only constant. Just when you have a week planned perfectly and you know everything will go smoothly, someone gets the barfs. Maybe you finally figure out the perfect chore chart and reward system for your first child and you go to use it on your second to no avail. You might have finally found some time for your own growth and decided to take a lesson of some sort for a half-hour per week thinking that there was no way it would be a big deal, but after only two months found it impossible to fit it into the rapid-fire shotgun that hands you the events in your life. (Maybe that metaphor didn’t work, help me English majors.) Seasoned mothers must be masters of change. I am obviously still learning to cope.

I mentioned earlier that I am feeling some kind of void. So my second thought is centered on this void. I am a person with many flaws, and one of my flaws is that I love praise and even the spotlight (as if you didn’t know this). Motherhood is quite thankless. I think the void has partly been caused by my need for praise. I want someone to tell me I am getting an “A”. I want my boss to give me a raise. I want my own cheerleader. Okay maybe I’m getting carried away, but you can’t tell me you haven’t felt the same thing every once in a while. What is my problem? Why can’t I feel comfortable with my worth as a person without outside praise? This is where my second epiphany comes in. I can! I don’t need that. I think our society trains us into relying on outside praise. Not that it is bad, but it really isn’t necessary. I know when I’m doing my best, and I know when I need to improve. I am my worst critic, but I can also be my best friend.

Have you ever put your sunglasses on your head and then looked and looked for them later because you couldn’t find them anywhere? I admit that I have done that a time or two. Every time it happens I feel like an idiot. So my final epiphany makes me feel like an idiot. I have been looking to outside sources to fill my void. What I now realize is that my void will best be filled right here at home. The answer is as plain as the sunglasses on my head. I have forgotten to live in the moment. I’m tired of looking to something other than motherhood for fulfillment. Motherhood is fulfillment. I had given into the machine, the media, the world of women’s lib. Somewhere along the lines I have lost sight of loving the moment I am in. What if I fully embraced motherhood and stopped looking outside of it? What if I started to cook with more passion, read stories without worries in the back of my mind, or left the phone off the hook for a day. If I put my ego completely aside, I gotta tell you, the thought of it all makes my spirit soar. It makes me excited to think about this new idea of embracing this season of my life. This is where it is at, and I’m tired of being told otherwise.

I can’t wait to start tomorrow with this new attitude. I’m not saying I will perfectly conform instantly, but by being more aware I can already feel the void begin to disappear and in its place is a feeling of joy. I'm so glad I found my sunglasses before the sun had made me blind.

Your Eyes Are Bigger Than Your Stomach

Have you ever heard the expression, "Your eyes are bigger than your stomach?" I remember hearing that statement often as a child. It seems that I have carried this same habit of "overfilling my plate" into adulthood. Although I may at times overfill my literal plate, I am referring to the plate of life. Willingly and or ignorantly I have bitten off more than I can chew (at least without getting sick). I feel like I'm in a race all day every day. So for those of you wondering why I suddenly stopped blogging, there you have it.

Here's what's been going on:

I turned 29 years old.

St. Patricks day happened.

Emmett and Tommy went to a Monster Truck show together.

We visited Grammy and Papa and went to the Hogle Zoo.

Tommy started T-ball.

Taylor is growing older and cuter.

Emmett and I performed at our first open mic at the library coffeehouse in Meridian.

Easter is long gone, but we still have residual candy.

Emmett and I did our first wedding gig.

Tommy is almost finished with preschool. He got into Trailwind!!! He will have afternoon kindergarten with Mrs. Taylor. Taylor will be starting preschool in the fall with Mrs. Stacey. Emmett is working as hard as ever at work and on the garden and pond. I am tutoring eight students and teaching guitar to two students. I am also working at Weight Watchers and starting school again this summer. Life is busy but very good. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Taylor Turns Three

Taylor has been waiting and waiting for this day. For the last two months she has been asking, "Is it my party yet?" She is obsessed with princesses, so of course, we had to have a princess party. She was in three year old heaven! I even dressed up in my princess getup. Our friends and neighbors celebrated with us. We had pizza and cake. She blew out her candles in one shot. I'm sure all of her wishes will come true.

We are so happy to have Taylor in our family. She is fiesty and full of personality. She is quite independant. In fact, she doesn't like me in the room with her very often. If I try to enter the room, sometimes she yells, "I need my privacy" . She loves to play with Tommy, and she says that Cole is her best friend. If you ask her how old she is she will tell you "four." She just can't wait to be able to do all of the things her brother does.

She definitely stands out in a crowd, and she loves the spotlight. Her favorite activity is dancing around in her princess costume while singing in her princess microphone. I feel blest to have such an entertaining, funloving, sunshine baby girl. I can't wait to see what this year brings.

Annivalentinesary 2008

Emmett and I were married Feb. 12, 1999. Since our anniversary is so close to Valentine's Day, we celebrate both at the same time. We call it our Annivalentinesary. This year Emmett was in charge of planning. On Feb. 12 he told me that we would be leaving the children at my sister's house for the weekend. He had planned a weekend getaway to SunValley.

Ice Skating at the SunValley Lodge

We drove strait to the skating rink. It was a blast. At first we were wobbely, but by the end of two hours we were looking graceful (haha) and twirling in circles. I felt like a kid again. We met a 58 year old woman who skated professionally. She was fun to watch and gave us an encouraging word.

Zou 45

As we all know, Emmett is a sushi lover. Zou 45 is a sushi restaurant. Emmett claims that he chose the sight for our celebration based on his need to return to Zou 45. They really do have the best sushi I have ever had, but it does come with a steep price. We started out with an appetizer that was incredibly tastey, but minute in size. We then ordered our sushi. After devouring it within a minute we decided to order again. After all was said and done we had ordered four times. Our tastebuds could have gone for more, but Emmett's pocketbook was emptying quickly. Besides, we were almost late to our next event.

Wait Until Dark

I hate scary movies. I don't like the anxiety inducing, sit on the edge of your chair type movie, book, story, etc... The Ketchum little theater was putting on a scary play "Wait Until Dark". Although Emmett knew it would be a risk, he planned it into the vacation. He thought that suspending disbelief during the play might be challenging, and in that case it wouldn't be scary. Of course, by the end we were both sitting on the edges of our seats. I was so amazed by the ability of the actors that Emmett was quickly forgiven. In all honesty I loved every minute of it. After the play we went to the Feather Bed Inn (bed and breakfast) and cute, sweet Emmett gave me a pedicure.

Famous Christina

Our hostess from the bed and breakfast fed us well in the morning. For lunch she recommended Christina's. She said that "Hanks" might be there because of President's Day weekend. Emmett and I both looked at her like "who in the heck is Hanks". She told us that Tom Hanks frequented the restaraunt. It was a celeb favorite. Emmett got ready to empty the pocket book once again and we headed there for lunch. The ambiance was wonderful and the food was to die for, but there was more. I asked the waiter to take our picture. I told him I wanted to do a travel log for my web blog. He asked me if I'd like Christina to be in the picture. Sure, why not. He got her from the back. She sat down with us and we had a little chat. She then took us to the kitchen. After the fact, Emmett and I thought maybe they did all of the chit chat, showaround because they thought it might be good advertisement for them. Who knows, but I have obviously put in a plug. Oh and by the way she has two cookbooks out if you are interested. (teehee)

Silly Snowshoeing

We went snowshoeing at the Galena Lodge Resort. It was a lot like hiking in the snow. It was a lot of fun. Emmett and I were both in silly moods. We wondered off the path and found trees that when shaken would release what we liked to call "snow bombs". We shook lots of trees. We also found it intriguing to make a small snowball and roll it down the mountain. We had a contest to see whose snowball went the furthest and got the biggest. I won!

The Opera

If you are still reading you are either bored or really bored because I am growing weary of watching myself write. Opera is a genre of music that Emmett and I have never cared for, so I was surprised when he told me that he had reserved our seats for a night of opera singers. Apparently the singers that night were the best of the best. Since I don't keep up with opera I took their word for it. I do know that the voice of the soprano brought Emmett and I to tears. We were both sold! We love opera. By the way we sat up close because some of the "Diva Doners" didn't show up. We're not sure what "Diva Doners" donate, but we feel lucky.

Time to say Goodbye

Time to say goodbye to our get away. Goodbye to sleeping in and waking up to the smell of breakfast. Goodbye to a jacuzzi surrounded by ice, to getting in and out of the car with the click of only one buckle. Goodbye to pretending to have enough money to keep up with the wealth of SunValley. Goodbye to the Feather Bed Inn (sadly it is being sold. 1.5 mill. any takers?) More importantly it is time to say hello. Hello to another year of marriage to my sweety. Hello to my children who I missed dearly. Hello to my ordinary, but somehow extraordinary days. I am so blessed. I really do love Emmett with all my heart. I know that my happy marriage makes life sweet. Thanks for the vaca baby.

Michelle

Valentine's Day

I feel lucky to have so much love in my life. I am blessed to have loving relationships with immediate family, extended family, and friends.

I tried to have the kids pose for a Valentine photo to send to our loved ones who do not live nearby. I couldn't get them to cooperate simultaniouly, but hopefully the effort counts for something.

Tommy, I LOVE you because…

1. You still like to snuggle with me.
2. You are eager to please.
3. Your smile lights up my life.
4. You make my life new again.
5. You obey even when it is hard.
6. You are so talented.
7. You are my boy.
8. You open my eyes to the true meaning of joy.
9. You are the most handsome five year old on the planet.
10.You are You.

Love,
Mama

Taylor, I LOVE you because…

1. Your sweet voice puts a smile on my face.
2. You smile at everyone.
3. Your emotions are so full of passion.
4. You remind me so much of myself.
5. You are a princess.
6. You remind me to be carefree.
7. You need your mama.
8. You are my little girl.
9. When you sing it brings me to tears.
10. You are You.

Love,
Mama

Emmett, I LOVE you because…

1. You know how to communicate.
2. You can fix anything.
3. You manage money so well.
4. You treat me so well.
5. You are the male version of me.
6. You are the breadwinner in our home.
7. You know how to calm me down.
8. You are my best friend.
9. I want to be with you every waking hour.
10. You are You.

Love,
Michelle

Taylor Attends a Party

Taylor attended her friend's birthday party. She was so excited. This was her first party without Tommy or myself coming along. She didn't understand why she couldn't have the present she wrapped for her friend. I convinced her not to open it. She had a great time at the party. I can't believe she is almost three. My baby is growing up.

Wishing For Summer

Last night, Taylor found the sprinkler that the kids run through in the summertime. Tommy asked Emmett and I if he could go outside and run through it. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea. He said that he knew it was dark, but he really wanted to do it (keep in mind that it is 8:30 PM and there is about a foot of snow outside). I thought it would be a good idea for Tommy to learn a good life lesson. After questioning him a little more I told him that if he really wanted to run through the sprinkler, then by all means he should go get his swimming suit on. He came downstairs with his suit on. Taylor followed him. She was stark naked. She couldn't find her suit. Tommy grabbed the sprinkler and ran to the back door. I couldn't believe that the freezing weather had not yet deterred him. Emmett and I turned on the outside light and opened the door. Tommy looked outside and said, "Maybe I need my shoes." I told him that he couldn't run through the sprinklers with shoes on. Tommy and Taylor headed outside in the snow undressed, sprinkler in hand, and beaming with excitement. As soon as they stepped in the snow they promptly came back in. Tommy responded with, "Well maybe I changed my mind." Maybe it is time for a vacation to the beach.